Ok, those that have known me long enough know perfectly well that I'm not the suspicious type, I really do believe the Yanks landed on the moon in 1969 and I accept without question that 'weapons of mass destruction' was the real reason we invaded Iraq, why, I even acknowledge the fact the Spanners reached the FA Cup final in 2004, but four Charlton Managers in one year? Come on......
You're 'aving a larf, mate!!!
Just who do you think you are kidding Mr Murray?
Alan Curbishley was the most successful and dependable manager we have had for for nearly 50 years, he runs the club on a 'shoestring' budget and keeps your (and our) precious 'little club' in the Prem for several years by wheeling and dealing, ducking and diving in such a delectable manner even the great Del boy trotter and his plonker of a brother, Rodney 'Charlton' Trotter would have been proud of.
Just like Del Boy, all the East End Cockney kid ever wanted was a few Million quid so he could hoof it up with the 'big boys' but you denied him at every step of the way with a blunt and uncompromising....'Sorry, Al, I'm skint, ask yer Muvver.....'
You pissed the lad off that much he went off in a bit of a 'incredible hulk' and spread it out on the 'nat king cole' for six months or so......
So what?
All the unperturbed and effervescent Mr Murray has to do is nick off to the stables to get himself another thoroughbred of a manager. After all, the list of pure bred stallions is quite extenstensive, there's Martin O'Neill, George Graham, Sven GE, Terry Venables, Bobby Robson, Jackie Charlton, Kevin Keegan, there's even the poor old sod that got the push from Chelski a couple of seasons ago whose name no-one can remember, and then there's an up and coming young colt named Billy Davies that has some good recent form showing, and if we wanted to benefit from a bit of devine intervention there was always Hod, the God...........
Between them they have won several thousand league titles, countless cup winners medals and an almost endless and uninterrupted supply of European experience and success to add to their bulging CVs. No one's calling them mercenaries but a few bob at the right time to cream the ever lurking agent's sweaty palm and we could have been set for life, well anther 15 years at least....
Easy Peasy this manager lark......
But hold on a minute, this is Charlton we talking about, we don't start at the top, do we? No, we go straight to the bottom and work our way up.....
And who does Dicky boy find bringing up the rear of such a well spread field, a thoroughbred? A frisky filly? A five year old half knackered gelding with galloping foot rot, no, he spots and falls head over heels in love with a clapped out mangy old flee ridden Donkey! Monsieur Dowie, to be precise.....
Mind you, the donk did have some impressive form, he gets the Palarse up and down faster than a French tarts knickers, and after such a short but distinguished and enamoured career, who can blame the long eared one for wanting to move on to pastures new? Strange coincidence his tormentor and paragon of virtue from just a few miles up north has decided to cash in his chips at roughly the exact same time......
Still, Murray knows what he's doing, don't he? What's the point in splashing out on the football version of the Arabian Stallion when you can have your very own 'Donkey Derby' every week? And that's exactly what we got, all that was missing was the 'kiss me quick hat'.
Still, when the going gets tough, the tough get going, and after just six months the tough speaking, no nonsense, all action guy got going all right, straight down to the nearest labour exchange......Talk about 'drop the dead donkey'..............Shame..........So soon after the 'Vote of Confidence Trick' from the board too.......
Still, once bitten, twice shy, and if you've ever been bitten by a donkey you certainly don't want to experience it again, so the key to learning from a bad experience is to look for someone with lots of experience who can give the team the benefit of their experience so they themselves become experienced, what was I talking about? Oh Yes, experience.............
Enter the Dragon!!!
Luckily for Mr Murray, his scouts had recently reported that Coronation Street's Norris Cole's stand-in stunt man was in the region and was hoping to audition for the part of Widow Twanky in the Christmas Pantomime 'Dickhead Whittington'. Yes you guessed it Les Reed.......Who?
Apparently, not satisfied with playing the ugly sister to the lead role of 'Little Red Donkey Hood', Les schemed, connived and back stabbed his way to the top faster than you can shout 'Look behind you, Donkey'.
Trouble was, when it came to football management Reed had a CV as long the arm of the 'one armed man' in the Fugitive, unfortunately the missing one.......Still he had read a book once, which is more than the donkey ever did, and he did get to colour in some badges down the FA, what the letters FA stand for is still a bit of a mystery but I think most of you could have a pretty good guess........He's even been known to pen the odd poem or two, who can ever for get the poetic masterpiece...."I think the future is bright in red, black and white." ?
Anyway, to cut a long story short he was shite and so Murray sacked him......
And so the managerial nightmare of Christmas Future continues for Scrooge Murray, this manager game is costing him a bloody fortune in compo.....still, one thing's for certain he's not going to fall for the old 'three card trick' for the third time, is he?
'Oh no he isn't', I hear you cry...........
Oh yes he fecking is.................
Desparate to foil his misfortunes with something a little more scientific Mr Murray turns to the cards, no, don't get too excited, I said turning TO cards, not turning turning IN his cards.
Hmmmmm, wait a minute, there's a lot to be said for Tarot cards and scientifically predicting the future, what better way to determine who's the best chap for the 19th best paid job in the Premiership?
'Yes, Peter,' says Murray 'Pop down to Tescos and get a big pack of tarot cards and we'll do the job properly this time.....'
'Righto' says the eager to please Varney........
Alas, just like like the despairing mother of Jack de Beanstalk, Murray knew as soon as Pete returned with the pack of 'Mrs Bunn the Bakers Wife' he should have sent the tea-lady......
Undaunted, the pair sat down to play a round and after about half an hour of tense studious brow sweating play Murray announces.......
'Have you got Alan Pardew?'
'Yes,' says Pete, 'I'll swap you Alan Curbishely for it..'
'Deal,' says Murray.
And the rest is, as they say, history............
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